Anxiety night and I have nowhere to write
I need this place to be mine, to be unreachable. It's a coping mechanism. I NEED this place. So I moved it into a hidden space. Literally. I hope it's hidden enough. Is it hidden enough?
I'm feeling ridiculous - I'm thinking you wouldn't have noticed if I'd written anything new anyway. I'm probably giving myself too much credit there. You have better things to do than to check on my internal monologues to you. On my internal monologues to myself.
I feel so unseen & unloved. Forgotten. And ridiculous.
That's what anxiety does.
Anxiety rewrites everything in my mind, anxiety makes me believe all the distorted voices that have accumulated over the last 40+ years.
Pauvre conne. I'll call you if I'm bored. T'es impossible à vivre. As if anyone would ever want you. Noone gives a shit about you, seriously. You're a shitty parent. You have been forgotten. T'es vraiment ridicule. Stop crying, you're pathetic. Des crachats, c'est tout ce que tu mérites. You're such a bitch. If you think I'm enjoying being stuck with you. You're an abuser. We won't be meeting with you again. Sans moi t'es rien. Mon problème c'est toi. Si seulement tu n'existais pas, ma vie serait bien meilleure. Connasse. Je vais te donner une raison de pleurer. Ça va chier des bulles. Stop abusing me. I don't really care about you. Stop being so dramatic. Pull yourself together in front of the kids!
I don't know what to do with all of this.
I'd like it to go away. It's never gone away. I don't think it'll ever go away. Could it please go away?
I'm not coping.
Writing isn't even helping.
I miss you Raphaël. I miss that you cared about what I felt or what I thought - even if I never thought you cared about what I needed or wanted. I miss you trying to reassure me. I miss you sounding like you cared about me.
I feel so unlovable.
I know I'm loved as a mum, of course. I know I'm actually indispensable to my kids, even if I constantly feel like a shitty mum.
But that's all I am.
And being a mum is also so draining. I'm so tired of holding everyone on my shoulders. I'm so tired of being responsible for everything. It's so scary too.
I almost wish I wasn't indispensable to them. I could just disappear. Noone else would care.
And the anxiety would stop.
Please stop.
